Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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