I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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