I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
