Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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