I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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