i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
