So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
