this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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