I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
