Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
