What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.