oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.