1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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