I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
