my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
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Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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