ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
