So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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