well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
