Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I have already put on my inside pants.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
