I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
