There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
