is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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