explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
