I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
As shirtless as possible
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.