he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....