my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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