RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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