i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
