Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
