do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
