My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Randomize
