so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
