I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
