i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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