Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
