I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
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It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
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Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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