I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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