I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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