Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
