do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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