there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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