ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
