Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
