A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
