If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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