tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
