she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
