Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize