I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
