i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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