He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
