I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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