i can't believe i had my finger in that
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
