It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
