So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
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