just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
