i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
