I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
