I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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