At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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