Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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