bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
