It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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