My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
