god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
