how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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