I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
