someone threw a dead crab at me
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
